Could it have been different?

I've written before of influences on my life,ranging from yonder to dale.
You can find them around the blog,if you care to dig,but one influence came from not happening.
I know that sounds odd,but allow to explain in this post that is a long time in being put on "paper."

I lost my sister early in life.
I was one and she arrived stillborn.
It is a loss that I feel to this day.
I cannot imagine how my parents feel because I don't ever remember having a meaningful conversation with either of my parents about the loss of my sister and I really don't want to press the issue with either of them,despite wanting to really know more about what happened,how it affected them and other questions.
I have never had that loss and I sure don't want to dredge up pain for them on my account simply because of my curiosity.

Even without answers to those questions and maybe even if they were answered,there still is a hole in my life.
I wound up not having a sibling as a peer,instead having a younger brother later on and that brought out a different role for me.
Not better or worse,perhaps=different.
The hole perhaps is exacerbated by the issues in the relationship with my brother,which has ranged from close to strained to non-existent through the years.
I have to admit that I've always wondered what life would have been like with my sister.
Would it have improved with someone closer in age?
Or would it not have mattered with my own flaws bringing about the same issues as I currently have.
It makes me think about it though and what I missed out on in other ways.
Would I have been a better person? Would I be more involved with family with a sibling that I got along with better?
I believe I've made great strides over the last year and a half in improving my relationship with my parents,but would it have ever gotten that bad with a better relationship with a sibling?
I like to think that it would have been positive,but I can never know for sure.
At 45,one thing that you realize that maybe you didn't at either 25 or even 35,is that what if's tend to be easier to deal with sometimes than what is.

Would I have become a most caring person or a more content person?
Would I become more tolerant or more industrious and maybe avoided some of my future mistakes?
Perhaps and I like to think so,it makes it easier to accept things sometimes,but it also idealizes things to a degree too.
It could have been worse,fighting for similar goals and peer pressure could always be an issue with children.
Who knows if I would have liked her husband,but it's easier to imagine that I would have with family outings being pleasant and me not minding them instead of handling them so poorly through the years.
I feel cheated somewhat as I don't have that and likely never will and I accept my large share of the blame on that too.
I read and see about others and find myself envious of their relationships that I do not have.
Not in a nasty way,mind you,I'm happy for them,but it still can make you think though.

Its getting late and its been a long night of thinking,but every time I think too much about this-one thing comes to mind repeatedly-How much one can miss what they never knew....

Double dip tonight with Ohio State-Purdue and Devils-Flyers.